Beautiful, Broken Boy Strong, Fearless Man
by Diary
Summary: The night before Brian leaves, he and Luke have several discussions. Complete.


Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns.

* * *

"Luke," Brian greets, openimg the door fully and stepping aside. "Is everything okay with Lucinda?"

"She's fine," he answers, coming in and setting a small bag down. Looking around, he inquires, his voice challenging, "Where are the pills? To help you sleep because you have a bad back?"

"Your grandmother took them." Feeling the urge to clarify and hating the fact he does, he continues, "I do have a bad back."

"You went camping. You slept in a tent, in a sleeping bag, on the ground."

"And afterwards, I took more aspirin than was recommended," he answers, tiredly. "I've always loved camping. As a child, it's what I'd do to get away from any and all problems I might have. What are you doing here, Luke?"

"I'm your roommate for the night," Luke answers, sitting down at the desk. "Have you had dinner, yet? Since I'm invading your room, I'll buy."

"Luke," he says, feeling his heart clenching.

"I was kicked out before I got around to taking a psych class, but I think not leaving a suicidal person alone is-"

"Luke, I'm not suicidal, and you should be with your family and Noah."

Luke leans back and stares.

Brian sits down on the bed and sighs, because Luke is brave, fearless, even, and though a man, he's a beautiful boy. Broken in some ways, and Brian wishes he'd been better at controlling perception. If Luke hadn't seen something deeply hidden, causing reasonable distrust, distrust Brian tried so hard to paint as unreasonable, Brian has to believe he wouldn't have ever done something so terrible and stupid as kissing him, only causing further pain to everyone.

"Look, tomorrow, you're on a plane out of here. I honestly wish you the best. Until then, I need to make sure-" He pauses.

Before Brian can say something, though he's not sure what exactly he can or should stay, Luke blurts out, "I didn't hit on you. I didn't lead you on. I refuse to take any responsibility for you marrying my grandmother. Okay?"

"I've already acknowledged all of that," he answers, wishing Lucinda had left two or three of the pills so that he could take them, crawl into bed, and hopefully wake up to find Luke gone.

"Good. Now, with that out of the way, not all of this is your fault, and I hope you believe that. I hired you essentially because my grandmother told me to. I didn't call any of your references before I agreed or decide to find someone else on my own. And as much as I don't like how you did most things, I will admit you did your job and did it well. I wanted something that fell outside of your job requirements, and you had every right not to- I don't know, indulge me?"

"We all make our own choices, Luke. Whether you handled things correctly or not, I never should have kissed you. I never should have tried when I was drunk. Most of all, I should have been a man about it when I did rather than subjecting a teenager to emotional abuse."

"Do you have any idea how unforgiving you are," Luke inquires, incredulously.

Through his confusion, Brian is aware of one thing: He must be careful how he answers.

"I mean, I guess you deserve points for consistency, at least," Luke continues, looking closely at him. "Despite everything that's happened, I was raised with a strong work ethic. My parents aren't to blame."

"I've never denied your work ethic, Luke. What you've done with your biological father's money is impressive. It was how you wanted to do things rather than an unwillingness or desire to do them half-way that I had objections to."

"Right, well, I've always believed that- factors, I guess, matter. The American dream isn't feasible for everyone; you can't pull yourself up if you don't even have a pair of boots. But unfortunately, I'm not that consistent. When it comes to bullies and people who do thinks I don't like, things I disagree with, I don't think of their side. I don't think, 'Maybe they have a crappy home life, or maybe they have some validity to their thoughts and the way they're doing things.' It's just, they're wrong, and I'm right."

"That's how it is with most people," he offers. "What about Noah? From what I understand, he did some inappropriate things, too, when he was dealing with his attraction to you and his desire to be straight."

"Well, when it comes to people I don't like." Sighing, Luke adds, "I'm kind of afraid I'm never going to know that a guy likes me until he kisses me. I sort of knew with Noah, but there was never anything completely concrete until he kissed me. At one point, I did think you might be a closet case, but I thought your annoyance began and ended with you not liking this spoiled brat and his causes and being afraid of me finding the proof to out you. Which, I'd say I never would have- but we were both there on that bench when I kissed you."

"Is everything okay with you and Noah?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Luke says, looking over. "Knowing my luck, though, I'm going to be dealing with some guy in the future, and we're going to hate each other right up until he kisses me. Then, Noah and I are going to have to deal with that."

"Look, Luke-"

"No, I had a point. Which is: God, I wanted to be straight," Luke says, sounding so broken Brian has to resist the urge to go over and hug him. "I wanted to be straight so bad I nearly killed myself because I didn't want to live if I couldn't be. I still don't know what exactly caused a change in me. I don't know how I went from that to someone who was determined to be proud and who refused to accept anyone who didn't accept me."

"You're a fighter; you always have been. For all my irritation at how you sometimes handled things, that's one thing I sincerely admire about you."

"Yeah, well, after everything I went through, I don't get to judge you. You've lived 54 years in a world that told you the same things it told me. It told you these things louder and stronger than I heard. You didn't have anything I had. No sitcoms telling you that being gay is fine, no visible movements like PFLAG, no openly gay people you could talk to, nothing. And you managed to build a life, anyways, without destroying your kidneys or hurting innocent people and the ones you love."

"I want you to stop and pay attention to the last part of your sentence," he says before Luke can carry on.

"Well, until now. But I do have a share of the blame, and you waited over half a century to do your screwing up."

"First of all," he says, "thank you for putting it in terms that makes me sound like a wizened old man. If I may offer some advice: Never do that with Lucinda. Her namesake or not, your body will never be found. Second, youth is the time for a person to make mistakes; as they get older, they're supposed to have learned and know better. Finally, I never did anything as bad as I have with you and the others, but I have hurt people in the past. I've been a coward and denied myself things I've wanted and needed."

"Brian-"

"I understand you're trying to process things, but you don't know me. You know what I've done to you, your grandmother, and the rest of the people you hold dear. There's a difference. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with judging a person who's wronged you by harsh standards without knowing them. They shouldn't have wronged you. I shouldn't have."

"I was here earlier," Luke says, almost too quiet to hear, "and I- badgered you into coming out. I do think that it was important you admit that, but I keep thinking: Someone I care about is in a hotel room, about to swallow a bottle of pills, and instead of trying to talk them down, calling the police, or doing anything to make them feel safe and hopeful, a person winds them up and forces them to admit the one thing that's part of the reason they're about- they feel like they have to."

"If it worked, which, in this instance, it did, you'd be thankful. Luke, I'm not a danger to myself. I'm tired. I plan on going to bed and sleeping."

"Give me your room key, then. I'll get something to eat downstairs and come back. I promise I'll be quiet."

Brian sighs and takes several breaths.

One of the first things Lucinda told him about her grandson was that he somewhat entitled. She said it with pride, as if she'd had some part in him being such, as if it was important to her he be as much.

He knows her history. He knows who she was before she took the name Lucinda, and he has a good idea some of the things she did and what she irrevocably sacrificed in her pursuit of security and social advancement. She's told him about her mistakes with her children and grandchildren.

Of course, her daughter's firstborn, given the masculine equivalent of the name she chose for herself, should have the world at his fingertips, courtesy of her.

Sometimes, Brian imagines it'd be easier if Lily and Luke were spoiled brats, pampered and selfish, truly self-centred rather than only occasionally wrapped up in themselves.

They're not, however. They're the perfect objection to blood being all important and determining; Lucinda's spirit runs through them, and the fierce love she has for her family doesn't stop there with them. Luke is determined to change the world, to make it safe and better for all the people who can't do it themselves.

"Luke, you're not staying here. All things considered, that would be wildly inappropriate."

"It's only inappropriate if something happens."

"Right, and just where do you plan on sleeping?"

"Either on the couch, or I can have a cot brought up."

Brian takes stock of the situation.

Most importantly, he has a hungry teenager with a medical condition on his hands. "You're not staying here, but if you want to talk, we can get room service."

…

Once room service has arrived, he rubs his head and tells Luke, "I didn't go into this business for the money or the prestige. I came from a middle-class family, and I never knew what it was like to go to bed hungry or to need comfortable clothes and shoes. I was given a car on my sixteenth birthday, and nothing barred me from going to college. That doesn't mean I didn't know, as you said, how unfeasible the American Dream can be."

"I knew there were children who dealt with cold and hunger. I knew there were pregnant women who couldn't get the care and support needed. I knew how badly society sometimes treated the elderly. And I knew that minorities were often doomed to poverty and an unfair justice system. I still know all that."

"I've spent many hours in soup kitchens since I was a teenager. I've donated clothes, books, and money to reputable originations. And I've worked very hard to help foundations such as yours be able to help people. You can accuse me of many things, Luke, but don't accuse me of looking down on the poor and the other people society has specifically set up to fail."

"Wow," Luke says, looking at him in a way that makes him feel much too exposed. "Um- sorry. It's just, I always assumed- You're right, I don't know you. And I didn't know you could be so passionate. I did think that your involvement stemmed from the money and the respectability it added to your name and that's one of the reasons you were so resistant to my being so determined to be open about my passion for gay rights. I- I'm sorry for that."

"Whether you like it or not, much of the business world still views homosexual and transgender rights as something to distance itself from."

"So, what's your argument for civil rights involving blacks, Jews, unwed mothers, that sort of thing?" Luke challenges, though, for once, he seems genuinely curious.

"Let me make it clear: I'm not trying to imply there's anything shameful in any of those things," he says. "That said, not only can a person not control such things, usually, they're obvious. Of course, there are some people who, the term used to be 'pass', I'm not sure if there's a different one, now. There are people who don't identify as or look the way Jewish people supposedly look. Some women can hide their pregnancy or give the child up for adoption. But generally, if a person doesn't want the world to know they're gay, they can keep that to themselves. A black person, a member of a religious group, a pregnant woman with no husband, they usually can't."

"How does a pregnant woman fit in? I mean, I definitely believe that single mothers still, even now, go through crap they shouldn't have to, but there is the argument they choose to take the risk. Never the mind the ones who made the choice to actively try to get pregnant."

"Personally, I'm not keen on the idea of asking a woman if her pregnancy is due to a consensual encounter or a violent crime committed against her," he answers, quietly.

"Oh," Luke says, softly. "Okay, but being gay isn't a choice. It may not be visible, but just like a person is born with a certain skin and eye colour, so are gay people."

"I'm not saying it is. I'm saying that, unlike the above, they have the opportunity to avoid discrimination."

"But not oppression," Luke answers, fire in his voice. "They can oppress themselves and always worry about the day others find out, and maybe, that'll keep them safe from slurs and denied jobs they're qualified for and being beaten and possibly killed. They can't walk down the streets holding the hand of someone they love. They can't introduce that person as the love of their life. Living with them, it's reduced to, 'this is my roommate', not, 'this is the home I share with the person who means everything to me'. And if someone finds out, they could literally lose everything. No one deserves that. No one should have to sacrifice so much just for the possibility of not being hurt."

"In life, everyone has to make choices," he says, his tiredness quickly returning. "They have to decide what sort of person they want to be, how to handle hardships, and so on. As far as I know, a person doesn't decide to be born in this world with something that makes them a visible target. They can decide what sort of person they present themselves as, however. If possible, they can do things to decrease their visibility."

"And you think that's right?"

"I think you blame the people who do choose to take advantage of such things," he answers. "You talk about how no one should have to hide, but for the ones who do, you don't have much sympathy for them and their circumstances. Have you ever thought a person could be truly happy without making a public announcement of their sexuality?"

"Yes, I have," Luke answers, finishing his food. "It comes back to me not taking in factors. And for the record, there's a difference between being out and telling everyone you meet or taking out a section in the Sunday paper. People who are closeted, they usually hurt others. They sometimes hurt themselves. And I know it's not that they're hurting people out of malice; they see it as a way to stay safe, and they rationalise."

He certainly can't argue that, can he?

Perhaps, some part of him says, and he's in no mood. A young man who has yet to even have two decades under him has brought everything Brian's taken years to so carefully and painstakingly build down.

Even worse, Luke's blameless.

Brian doesn't see himself as unforgiving. He's never been one to unnecessarily dwell on his mistakes. But he understands the world as it is far better Luke, and he never should have given into weakness.

He's sure Luke doesn't see it in such terms.

Lust, desire for affection, and craving approval, craving pride, craving anything from the grandson of the woman he promised everything to- none of that is healthy or right.

"Besides me, have you ever kissed another man? Have you ever done anything more? I'm not just talking about sex, either. Have you ever gone on a date or- I know, you're going to say it's none of my business, but obviously, even if you've never let yourself have it, you've wanted more. And you're an intelligent, strong-willed man, so- I'm just not seeing why you having more is something you're so resistant to."

Looking down at his wedding ring, he fiddles with it.

Unfortunately, patience has seemingly settled into Luke for the night.

Taking a shuddering breath, he looks back up. "Sometimes, people can't overcome all aspects of their early life. Before I was six years old, I knew there was a difference between boy toys and girl ones. I knew it was only men and women, mothers and fathers, who got married to one another. I knew horrible things could happen to boys who were considered 'sissy' or worse."

"No one had to tell me these things. My parents were loving people. Teachers liked me, and I had friends. I never heard of hate crimes. It was just the way the world was. So, I made sure everyone saw that I belonged. I had girlfriends that never worked, and I followed the rules to a degree that the idea of me breaking them was absurd."

"Eventually," he says, feeling the sadness, "I met Carolyn. And no, I wasn't sexually attracted to her, but just as I love your grandmother, I love her. I always have. I honestly thought we could be happy together, but it turned out, when it came down to it, I couldn't bear to help bring a child in this world. She wasn't happy with my lack of forthcoming before we married, but she could have lived with a gay husband, so long as- She's a foster mother, now. Hopefully, someday, she'll be more."

"And with Lucinda, I honestly thought, without the question of children, she and I could work. Aside from- that kiss, I've always been faithful to the women I've been with. Yes, without going into detail, I've been with other men. To me, anonymous sex is even lonelier than no sex. And when a person gets to a certain age, sometimes, those are their only choices."

"That's not true," Luke protests.

He laughs, slightly. "How many men my age are out, Luke? And the ones who are, how many of them want a serious commitment? Most of them want to catch up on lost time. They want attractive, young men such as yourself. It's easy to find women my age, women who want to build a life together."

"I could help-"

"Luke, you have a family and a boyfriend that loves you, a sick grandmother who needs you, and a foundation to run. Focus on your life," he orders. "And go home. I'm tired, and you're not staying. I'm not going to hurt myself."

"Do you really want me to go?"

The question surprises him.

"You've been through a lot today, and I understand you want to sleep. But I think you need a friend nearby. Or at least, someone who cares about you. Because, I do care about you, Brian," he says, and Brian can't bring himself to break eye contact. "I hope that you and I can become actual friends one day. Right now, I just don't want you to wake up in the middle of the night and convince yourself that no one does."

The truth is, he doesn't want to be alone tonight.

"Have you taken your medicine?"

"I have it," Luke says, motioning to the bag.

"If you want to stay, fine," Brian says, hoping Lucinda doesn't kill him for this. "Make sure you get a proper cot."

…

Once the cot comes and Luke returns from the bathroom in a pair of pyjamas, Brian sighs. "Luke- thank you. Not just for this, but for not hating me."

Shrugging, Luke curls into the cot and gives him a soft look that he doesn't know what to do with. "You aren't the only one who holds blame in this. After some of the things I've done, I don't understand how I manage to still have a loving family and boyfriend. If I can do anything to keep you from feeling the same, I will."

Crawling into bed, Brian can't help but say, "And you call me unforgiving. When's the last time you've forgiven yourself?"

"I'm working on it. I hope you are, too."

…

"You need to go now, Luke," he says after everything's been packed. "I promise you, I'm fine. I'm going to call Carolyn, and then, watch some TV until it's time to leave for the airport. I'll call you after I get to her place."

Luke looks hesitant, his unwavering determination from last night gone.

"Luke, go spend time with Noah and your grandmother."

"Are you sure you're okay? You'll call if you need anything?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Brian assures him. "You don't need to keep worrying."

"I hope you can eventually be happy."

"I hope so, too," he replies.

For a moment, the thought that's been rolling around in his head since this whole mess started pops up, stronger than ever, and he tells himself to ignore it.

"What," Luke says, softly, which causes him to wonder if he ever had any chance of controlling Luke's perception of him. "You can ask me anything."

"How did you manage not to tell anyone? I know that you were trying to protect your grandmother, but to be completely alone and going through what you were, how did you manage that?"

Shrugging, Luke answers, "Actually, I didn't, and I'm not going to apologise for that. I told Noah. He didn't believe me, and- I thought he'd help me figure out what I could do to get you away from Grandmother without hurting her."

"You told Noah," he repeats in confusion. "I thought he found out when he found us on the bench," he says, hand unconsciously going up to his face.

"No," Luke says with a sigh, leaning against the desk. "I told him pretty soon after it happened. He did the same thing you did, blaming the drinking and saying I must have misinterpreted and overreacted."

He has no idea how to feel about that.

He tells himself not to get involved. His picture of Luke and Noah in his head is obviously less than complete. He's never gotten to know Noah on a personal level, and he can't claim to know what their relationship is when everything is stable.

"Yeah, I know, he had good reason," Luke says, sadly.

"No," Brian says.

It turns out that he needs to say what he needs to say.

"Luke, I promise you that I'm not trying to come between you him. I want you to be happy. I want you to have someone you love, who loves you. So, please, don't believe I'm saying this in an attempt to cause problems."

"I believe you."

Sighing, he sits down and looks up at Luke. "If you haven't already, I suggest you talk to Noah. Anyway you cut it, the fact he didn't believe you says some unfortunate things."

"You aren't the type to misinterpret such things, but suppose, just for the sake of this conversation, you were. If I loved someone who I knew lost their grasp on reality when intoxicated, and I knew they were frequently intoxicated, if they told me someone had done to them what I did to you, I'd still feel the need to make certain there was no chance this was the one time that they weren't right. It'd be too important not to."

"Well, I hated you," Luke says.

As he winces, looking stricken, Brian shakes his head and reaches over, briefly patting his hand. "Your firm dislike of me was no secret. But that's in the past. Like you, I hope we can one day be friends."

"Still: I'm sorry."

"Unless this hypothetical person was a liar, in which case, I'm not sure I could bring myself to keep associating with them, no matter how likely it was they were wrong, it'd be important to make sure. You're not a liar, Luke."

"So," Luke says, and Brian can't read his tone, "what if someone who wasn't a liar and didn't distort reality when they were drunk told you about what happened? What would you do?"

"The same thing Noah did to me," he answers, hand returning to his face.

"Neither me or Noah have completely figured this relationship thing out, yet," Luke says. "His dad made it where him not trusting anything without solid evidence is hard, but he tries."

"Well, relationships become easier for people to navigate as they have time and stability with the person they're with," he offers. Standing up, he says, "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

He's being hugged, and he doesn't know what to do.

He feels Luke shifting, moving closer rather than away, and he hesitates.

Then, he brings his arms up and lets his palms make contact with Luke's back, letting one hand go upward and settle on the neck. "It'll be fine," he promises. "For both of us. You are a very good person, Luke. And now that I've finally stopped trying to deny a large part of myself, I'm going to work on being one, too."

Luke nods and breaks the hug. "Take care of yourself, and call me when you get there."

"I will."

Giving him a smile, Luke leaves, and Brian sighs, sitting down to collect himself.

Once he has, he picks up the phone and calls Carolyn.


End file.
